Rocks well up in my eyes...

...trying to force back these tears.  Have you ever been so close to revealing something about your life that could change your life forever?  And not only your life, but the life of your whole family and their families?

I had to face the devil.  I know the devil can't be all wrong.  The devil helps us weed out the bad.  So we should actually be thanking the devil instead of fearing him.  He's basically on our side. 

Still, this isn't about identifying the personality traits of the devil.  This was about being able to embrace him with open arms and seeing the world through others' eyes. 

I grabbed my cheap keychain that I bought from Family Dollar and headed for the door.  It was a cool keychain.  It had the letter F on it and I always thought it stood for "fuck" because I use that word the most of any other word out there.  "Fuck" I said out loud.  "How appropriate."

As I drove to the place where I knew time stood still, I passed the old house we used to live in.  It had burned down and now there was a gas station there.  Apparently the house fire was "mysterious" my mom told me.  I chalked it up to God trying to make up for not being there for me when I pleaded for his help in that house.  It was his way of telling me he was sorry.  He can't rid the memories, but he can rid the house I guess. 

I pulled onto the gravel driveway that made my tires sound like they were about to pop any minute.  Knowing my luck, there is probably a sharp piece of glass that's going to rupture my tire and then I'll be stuck here forever.  I stopped and stared at the house.  The wrap around porch to the front door looked way too long like a five-minute hallway.  "Fucking go" I kept singing in my head.  "Cause I've done what I could for you.  And I do know what's good for me."  Thanks Fiona. 

Step by step, the knot in my stomach hurt more and more to the point where I felt like a body builder with the tightest 6-pack tummy ever known to man.  I stopped.  I breathed in.  Breathed out.  Closed my eyes and invisioned the warriors who crossed this land hundreds of years ago.  Clearly their battle was much harder than mine. 

Time to go face the devil. 

David has a message for me...

...but it comes with a price. Complete trust. "Look at me," David asked me. I glanced up. "No, look in my eyes," he insisted. His eyes were green and brown. How odd I thought. I guess that's what you'd consider hazel?

"I know what happens in this dream," David said. "My dream lasted longer than just the gas station."

Wait, this can't be a dream then. A vision maybe?

"The old indian man told me that dark forces were on the way. He said to keep an eye on the girl. I didn't know who he meant until now. But he meant you," he went on to say.

But what does that mean?

"There are demons you must uncover from your past. If you shed the dark layers of your existence, the light will come forth."

I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. I knew what this meant. And I only hoped that David didn't know.

But David said, "I know what this means. I'm sorry to have seen this in my dream. I'm sorry what happened to you."

Oh fuck. I closed my eyes so tightly that all I saw was black and wished opening my eyes would reveal that this too was a dream.

"So where do I begin?" I asked out loud.

David shrugged his rounded shoulders. "If I were you, and I'm not, don't take this the wrong way. But if I were you, I'd start at the source."

"David, I've been through this before," I said. I looked up to the clouds with a nod to David. "He wasn't there for me when I was little so what difference does it make now?"

But then I realized, this isn't about religion. This is about my voice. A sense of empowerment came over me along with fear, anxiety, and complete sadness.

"Ok," I said. And that's all David needed to hear.

Feels Like Heaven

Looking back, faded memories
Trust has no meaning anymore
Betrayal
Longing for someone to understand
Wondering, sometimes hoping it will end
He needs her
She feeds his need
Walk away or run
Definitely run
Snatch up a daffodil along the way
A vision of you
Running through the fields like you did when you were a little girl
Death has no dark, only light
Hope, trust, no loneliness, increased senses
This is my heaven

She drives up slowly, staring inside, like she’s planning a drive by shooting or something. Not seeing any movement, she parks and gets out. The wind feels bitter today. Not because it is cold, but as if it’s trying to warn her. Like the feeling of someone creepy blowing on your neck. Brrrr, she shivers. “Where is everyone?” she wonders. The gas station looks completely empty. She can’t even see anyone behind the counter. She’s only about 20 miles from home. She’s been here a million times, but now suddenly it feels like a ghost town. She sees a head through the glass. Finally, someone! She steps inside and it’s quiet, aside from some crappy country music playing over the intercom system.

“Good afternoon, can I help you?” says a voice behind the counter. She turns to see a man whom she recognizes, not as a man, but as a boy.

“David?” she asks. He nods.

“Do I know you?” he asks.

“Do you remember me? From catholic school – 5th grade. Miss Lawrence was our teacher.”

“Oh my god, yes! How are you? Long time no see! Do you live nearby? What brings you out today?”

Wow, how to answer that one?? She thinks to herself, “well, you see, I had this dream that this big Indian guy was telling me to go find someone I trust and thought that they might be here at this local gas station.” Yeah, probably not going to say that. But then again, it would take just as much explaining to someone she sees everyday. Here goes nothing…

“Well,” she begins, “I had this dream, and I know this sounds a bit weird, but I dreamt that I was supposed to find someone I trust, and…”

“You had that dream too????” he asks in amazement.

Suddenly she doesn’t feel so crazy. They stood there staring at each other like they had both just seen a ghost.

“Yeah” she answers.

He walks over to her and hugs her. It feels right. But why?

Her fortune cookie….

...reads “your deepest wish will come true”. Really? No, seriously? She can think of several stars she has wished upon, but it’s always a wish – that’s what a wish is - something you want to make happen, but really, does it ever come true? “This ain’t Disneyworld” she scowls and throws the fortune paper in the trash. It’s been a sore in her side trying to think of who she trusts. She has gone through a list of people and in reality, trust is a very big issue for her. Especially when it comes to the men she trusts. This has made her think of what the meaning of trust is. Does it mean that person will be there for you through thick and thin? Will they be there for you when you need them? Does it mean you can tell them anything in the whole world and they won’t repeat it? Does it mean that they know you better than you know yourself? And even if you go your separate ways they will never talk bad about you? Or maybe that’s just respect. Are respect and trust the same thing? Are they interchangeable, or do they depend on each other to exist like worms depending on the soil for protection? Her head is starting to hurt. “Why does such weird shit happen to me?” she asks out loud. But then she sits up abruptly - an idea shoots out her head like a bolt of lightning through a sky of thoughts – “the gas station!!!” she shrieks, grabs her purse and keys and runs for the car.

She awoke....

She awoke....
from a dream. It haunted her. She's had this dream before. She's alone - at a gas station in the middle of the desert. When she walks in to pay for her gas, there is no one behind the counter. "Hello??" she calls out but nobody answers. She leaves the money for the gas on the counter and walks out. Next to her car stands a tall man with long thick hair tied back in a ponytail. She can tell he's Native American. "Excuse me, can I help you?" she asks.

"I know you", says the man. He's about 6'2". She feels tiny compared to him, even though she is of medium build, and could use to lose a few pounds if she's being honest with herself.

Ok she's a little creeped out now. "I'm sorry, I think you're mistaking me for someone else."

"No, you must listen to me. The wind is calling. You're in danger. You must seek the one who you trust and believe what he says. He will guide you. The great Mother needs you to promise this" the man says.

She scowls, not knowing what to say. How do you respond to something like that? After standing looking at the man for several minutes in silence, he just walks away. He walks to the rear of the store. She gets in her car and drives to the back and sees no one.

"What the fuck?" she thinks. "How could he disappear?" she whispers to herself.

And that's where the story ends. She wakes up. Who could this person be that the indian man is trying to tell her about? And why does she need his guidance anyway? She's been shrugging this off for too long. Maybe she should pay more attention to those around her. Who does she trust? Hmm....

It's a scary world...

...
being alone. But she'll be ok, she thinks. As long as she can drink. "Oh, alcohol, my best friend! You've never let me down! Except for the times when you've made me really sick and throwing up and stuff. But that's ok, it's still better than anything an evil man can do to me - a hangover is better than a broken heart."

Ha - yet another good invention - "Broken Heart Vodka" and it would be colored black like that black vodka she had at that corner bar where she met the guy with tattooes up and down his arms and even up to his neckline. He was cool. But damn, what an idiot to have dissed her the way he did. He deserved the backlash she gave him. "You were wild, where are you now" she said to him. Apparently he had gone to jail and that's why she never heard from him again. It was probably best that way. Hence another reason for black vodka. It would be a good tool to use when she needed to forget. It was better than doing something more self-destructive like cutting herself, right? That's another thing she did all the time - compared things. She'd always think of worse things to make the situation she was in seem less threatening.

But forgetting was her way. Keep that poker face going girl. Chin up, heels on, it was going to be fun. She could promise at least that much to herself, even if it was dangerous.